There's Nothing Left
by Fallen Heart
Summary: JT thinks about Colleen, and how things turned bad. ANGST.


**Disclaimer**: I own nothing concerning the show, nor its characters.

**Rating**: PC-13/T

**Author's Note**: My first ever take on J.T and first Y&R fan fiction I've ever written. Warning for some language though!

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He stared at the glass before him, trying to make up his mind about whether or not to pick up the phone and call her. To check if she was doing okay after what she's just been through. But then he reminded himself that she was probably with her new boyfriend. The thought made him clench his teeth, feeling a pain going straight to his heart. Why did things have to be so screwed up? Why did she have to give up hope on them after all they had been through?

He missed her so badly sometimes; it was like a piece of him was missing, making him feel numb and hollow. Nothing he did helped either. If he tried to suppress all their memories, he only felt more alone than he had before. It sure as hell didn't help that he still lived at the loft either. Everywhere he turned, he was met by images of their times together. Now when he thought of the way they used to be, he couldn't help but feel angry - angry at Colleen for giving up on them for the most part. But even madder at himself for falling for her lies – every time she told him everything was fine and nothing was wrong between them, she had lied to him. Hell every time she claimed she loved him, she probably lied right through her teeth then too.

However the situation might be right this moment, he still was sure of one thing – she was his one true love. That would never change. He'd always be worried sick about her getting into trouble and he'd always look out for her, whether she wanted him to or not. He couldn't believe that she'd rather believe Adrian over him either. It wasn't like he was some jealous ex-boyfriend who'd feed her with lies of the guy for his own intentions. No, definitely not. And he had always thought she knew as much. It hurt to know that she actually believed that guy over him. Over the guy who used to be the most important person in her life. Or at least that's what he had always thought. Who knew what was true anymore?

Flashes of seeing her in that hospital bed all helpless filled his head, making him close his eyes out of guilt. It was his entire fault that she had been taken away in the first place. He had failed her. The one person, who had always been there for him, had been close to dying and he was at fault for it. When she had needed him the most, he hadn't been there. He hadn't been at her side and it was eating him up on the inside to know he had caused her so much unnecessary pain.

He clenched his teeth, biting his lip until he could feel the taste of blood, clutching his glass of Scotch even harder. A second later, he could feel a tear run down his cheek but brushed it away furiously. The question that was constantly going around in his head was why things had turned out the way they had. Why had she cheated on him? Why hadn't he been a better boyfriend to her? Why hadn't he been able to save her from what happened? But no answer was given to him. None at all.

He tried desperately to remember the last time he had touched Colleen without her flinching, turning away or been distant but had a real trouble thinking of a specific moment. Had it really been that long ago since he had felt her love for him? Had he really been that clueless?

Then he realized that he had been. Deep down, he had known about Korbel and Colleen for quite a while but had been denying it to himself. Every time she claimed their fights had nothing to do with her professor, he had chosen to believe her, even when the back of his mind claimed that she wasn't telling the truth. Because if there was one thing he had come to learn during his relationship with Colleen was that without trust, there is nothing. He had not known how true that was until just recently when it all came piling down on him.

His life was so fucked up right now. Getting arrested for assaulting Kevin was definitely the most insane thing he had done in quite a while. At the time, he had been so consumed of pain and anger that the action seemed logical. Now? Not in the slightest. But this time he wouldn't run away from the problem. He would instead accept the consequences of his actions, even if it would mean going to jail, at least he'd do the right thing by doing what was asked of him.

He had nothing left in his life anyway. Why his life had suddenly lost its meaning, he did not know. But everything came back to _her_. Would this feeling of numbness ever go away or would he forever feel this empty and hollow from here on out? And the thing was, he couldn't even bring himself to give a damn anymore…


End file.
